Dopers on Bikes/Tour de France

THe Tour Sucks

Le Tour de France is only a few days away. It starts on July 4th, how's that for Irony? Its like China having Boxing day on September 11th. Our nation's b-day and le Tour has the nerve to start their biggest annual event? But in reality, Le Tour is nothing but a blight on the pimply shoulders of professional cycling. If one of these shaved legged science projects kissed a baby for the cameras at the prologue, by stage three the kid would be signed by the Oakland Raiders. Some say racers have to dope because the tour is longer and harder than a presidential campaign. (How can you tell when a politician is lying? HIs lips move.) How can you tell when a cyclist is doping? HIs legs move, for three weeks.

Today its us fans who need a pharmaceutical boost. THe tour used to be 21 stages or so of climbing, sprinting, time trialing and team tactics, but now includes Failed Drug Test, Failed Drug Test Confirmed, Failed Drug Test Denied and Methodology Questioned, Press Conference, Suspension, Suspension Appeal, and Appeal Rejected, Who gets the Yellow Jersey, Round Robin Boxing Between the UCI, ASO, and ProTour, and Teams the French Won't Let in Just Because. BY the time the 2008 Tour started, we did not yet know who won the 2006 Tour. Who will win this year? A doped up SPanish Speaking Rider named Contador? A doped up ego-maniac comeback rider named Armstrong? Or a doped up Russian named Menchov, or a doped up Australian named Evans? Take your pick. How many failed doping tests at this year's tour? The over/under is set at 5, those poor saps need to invest in better doctors to beat the tests. MY pick for the winer? THe Lawyers. If your idea of a good time is watching dopers on bicycles, plop your lawn chair down at the local detox center and save yourself a premium cable package. THe tour is great spectacle, but its just like wrestling, you don't know what is real and what is not, how many riders are doped and how many are clean, who's got the best doctors and best ways to beat the testing procedures? MY favorite tour story, the guy who submitted his wife's urine sample in place of his and was told he passed all the drug tests, and by the way, congratulations, you're pregnant.

Some of you may claim that cycling has cleaned up its act. You are probably the same people who thought Hamilton was innocent the first time. Sure, we believed you Tyler, you too Floyd. AN Lance, well, i'm sick to death of Lance, he's got another kid, will he spend more time with this one than he did with his last three? He needs to retire to a world of public speaking engagements to pot-bellied businessman and biking groupies that can fawn over his every move. Maybe he can be cycling's version of the NBA"s Shawn Kemp, paying child support to multiple women, then filing for bankruptcy cause he could not keep his pants zipped.

But i too am a tour addict, and will belly up to the bar with my favorite brew in the evenings to watch it all replayed on Versus. I'll cheer for horrendous crashes, tour scandal and Phil Liggett. Are we pathetic or what?

Brian Leverenz

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Comment by worldhookah.com on August 17, 2009 at 6:19am: Sarcasm is lost in translation on the internet.

I will say time and time again Good ole Lance tested clean. Likes its been said and said again twice the oxygen flow because of an extra ordinary heart gets him along way. As well as I do believe I read he is one of the few people in the world that has very little lactose build up in muscles.

The way I see it is you do what you want. You pay for it later. Hulk Hogan took the juice for years while wrestling now he is falling apart big time. Would I take his road if I had the chance? The real question here is would I take his road if I had the chance and the out come would be the same but I also get the same ride along he did? Hell yea in a minute. Top Atheltes Performers (aka Michael Jackson Elvis Lance etc...) May pay the ultimate price faster but you know what Name 10 people in this entire world (Non Biblical) that are better known and don`t have their cushy lifestyle along the way. Don`t Bother Jesus was in the Bible and mention Ghandi to 20 people half will not know who he was but say beat it and watch them light up.

Oh and the smartest athlete is Barry Bonds.
The Judge: Mr. Bonds did you take steroids?
Barry bonds: (Smack sound) and its going going gone. Barry breaks another record.

Don`t think for a minute at the top levels people are not cheating.

Oh Mike remember you said you may learn something from me? Greg Lemond the first American cyclist to win the Tour De France (and go on to do Taco bell commercials) was approached by several top contenders and their higher ups offering to make sure he won. What did Greg reportedly do? That's right Pulled a Barry Greg got on that bike and for many races was going going gone.

Oh and that's my $2.00 Information has value these days Michael don`t sell your self short. (oh and that was sarcasm)

Comment by Michael J Blane on July 5, 2009 at 5:36pm: I think that any professional athlete should be able to use any performance enhancing drug he/she wants.
When/if they should happen to: die young, grow extra limbs, go bald, become sterile; I don't care.
I don't want to read about their woes because of what they took.
Let the pros do whatever they need to do to become the best at what they do. Those that do not want to compete at that level or at that cost can stay amateurs or maybe there should be a No Drug classification in all professional sports.
Just my $0.02

Brian — do the angels want to wear your read shoes? haha

Comment by Brian Leverenz on July 3, 2009 at 7:51am: Hey Mike, what's with all the humorless trolls on this website? I write a little caustic humor and some people think i'm serious. I'm only semi-serious. But the way the dopers in cycling keep getting caught, there may not be any left! It just kinda proves that the only real heroes and people we should admire our those who do things for others, without regard for themselves. SElf-absorbed athletes who dope, which is likely the vast majority of the pro peloton, are not worthy of our adoration, thye are just there for our entertainment. As far as my blog posts, i'll keep em coming, because, everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Brian L.

Comment by Vitaly on July 2, 2009 at 10:03pm: This wasn't that funny. In fact, it wasn't even that clever. It felt hateful, resentful and after reading it, I have to say I feel a bit disgusted. There are very few things I find more vile than someone who attempts to dimish or downplay the accomplishments of others. Especially when the individual himself has not, and probably cannot, come even close to a similar accomplishment. If you think that if you pumped yourself up with EPO that you (in your prime) could stay on Armstrong's wheel going up Alp d'Huez, then you are perhaps entitled to make the comments you do. If not, then best you label your blogs as empty chatter and save us all some time.

Comment by Mike the Veloist on July 1, 2009 at 4:21pm: Ha, they just keep proving you right! say bye, bye to Mr Dekker

http://www.velonews.com/article/94103

Comment by Mike the Veloist on June 30, 2009 at 6:26am: Brian you make it worth getting up in the morning. Caustic sarcasm is just what I need to get me up and out the door. I love to ride, love to watch the Tour and believe everything you wrote about the Pros. It's a big business and they are business men looking for an advantage where ever they can find it. Sad but I believe it to be true. I'll still watch, I'll still ride. Right after I take my Wacko Jacko pain cocktail.

Comment by Robert Bleck on June 29, 2009 at 9:47pm: I'd rather be charitibly optimistic and wrong than cynical and right in the end...but that's just my personal preference. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Comment by Brian Leverenz on June 29, 2009 at 6:37pm: But i am a happy person, and cynicism is so much fun. I used to be disgusted, now i'm just amused.THe world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel. If i can come up with any more cliches, i'll let you know.WE should all be cycnical about almost all professional sports.